Barack Obama

Barack Obama

Key Senate Achievement:
Being elected to Senate after Iraq War already started

Favorite Way To Mollify Supporters:
Nodding solemnly while gripping podium

Political Experience:
(2005–) Junior Senator from Illinois. Working directly under Senior Senator Richard Durbin himself, duties included fact-checking and copyediting the 2006 highway appropriations amendment bill. Member, Illinois State Senate (1997-2004)

Odds Of Pop-Locking During Inauguration:
1 in 12

Personal Best For Getting Digits:
32 seconds

Difficulty Catching A Cab:
Moderate

Issues:
Pro-hopes, also supports dreams

People Who Have Influenced Him Most:
Handsome devil who greets him in the mirror every morning

 

Key Issues

• Health Care
  Promises to reduce cost of health care by demanding private insurance companies stop liking astronomical profits.
• Iraq War
  Will have American soldiers tell the Iraqi soldiers that they're just going out for some smokes, and then sneak back home to America.
• Abortion
  Did some crazy shit in the '80's, not going to lie.
• Immigration
  Would refuse to allow Kenyans to come to America, father children, abandon children, attend Harvard PhD programs, and return to Kenya.
• Economy
  Will cut taxes, but occasionally hit up Oprah on behalf of treasury.
• Climate
  Has an extensive five-year plan to charm climate back to normal temperatures.
• Pakistaniran
  Guarantees improved relations with Kenya, Indonesia, Hawaii, and Illinois.